Murp&Fail

There is so so much strength in admitting weakness. 
{it's about to get real personal up in here!}
This morning was my first day back on campus after fall break so I should be pretty relaxed, right? Last night I had a huge spike of anxiety as soon as the car made the turn up the hill work, stress, books, people, drama, stubble bus, go team fail go! murp. Que some despairing comment from me and a sassy rebuttal about how I am so lucky to even go to college. How comforting. 
I have a destressing routine of power walking around campus with earbuds in, music blasted. I absolutely love it. So I stormed around for awhile, met up with Melissa, ate, and of course ran into a whole onslaught of stress-causing people. *eye twitch*
Back to the room and Molly and I share our thoughts on the stupidity of this and that Franny mentality (she went to DC and apparently the girls fall in to 'incapable-damsel-in-distress' mode when taken out of The Bubble) and then went to bed. Well, she went to bed. I cannot for the life of me fall asleep when I need to. So, awake I lay, trying not to lay on my fresh shoulder tattoo and lamenting the fact that I'm not already asleep.
7am rolls around. Molly wakes me up to go to a holy hour with her. I half awake mumble my excuses and fall back asleep. 8am comes and I shut off my alarm. I have an 9am and 10am on Mondays (along with a 12,1 and 4) and I skipped them both. As I laid there, I was over come with an irrational yet crushing inability to wake up and drag myself out of bed. I didn't want to be awake -- I wanted only to slip away to unconsciousness. I didn't want to deal with class, with the people I'd run in to from here to class or even Molly seeing my tattoo and lecturing me about how I'm failing at life. 

***

I 've admitted to myself that I need help. When I can't get myself out of bed, can't keep myself from pulling out my hair, picking at my skin and can't get myself to sit down with my huge pile of work without having a huge anxiety attack, I know something's wrong. 
I like to be self sufficient. I like to deal with myself by myself. But I can't. I will never learn the things I want to, do anything with my life, or even just be of help to others until I get myself at a stable place. 
Seeking out help is rarely in weakness. It's such a strength to admit your abilities and the need for somebody else's.